I was two years old the first time I saw England play. I don't remember it. But my dad says I sat in front of the telly with my arms folded and watched the whole thing without blinking — which apparently I still do, and which my wife finds extremely irritating.

Thirty-three years of this. Thirty-three years of tournaments and near-misses and penalty shootouts I can still feel in my stomach. Thirty-three years of believing, which is — if I'm honest — a form of madness. Benign, communal, English madness. But madness nonetheless.

The squad came out today. I read it standing in the hallway, jacket still on, like I was expecting to find something between the lines. Some hidden clue about how this one ends.

the one before

I'm writing this now because I know what happens to the feeling.

Right now it's clean. The hope hasn't curdled yet. Bellingham hasn't miscontrolled it in the box. The penalty hasn't been saved. It's the 22nd of May and anything still feels possible.

I want to keep this version. The one before.

So. A letter. Written today, to be opened when it's over. To the Three Lions. To all twenty-six of them boarding a plane to North America carrying the usual impossible weight.